Their journeys of becoming psychotherapists was not an easy one and it is through life’s challenges that lead them to open their own practice. In life we meet people who are either ‘care-givers’ or ‘care-takers’ and often we meet some people who ‘give-care’ to themselves.
Jackie and Keiran have faced challenges, difficulties,and adversities, but rather than allowing those experience to define them, over time and self-reflection they utilised their learnings to shape who they, and further how we take the time to understand others when they go through difficult times, to support those clients to find peace and contentment in what they have been through.
Mental health is a difficult journey to go through on your own but when you find someone who wants to take the time to understand you and your story. Although difficulties in life can lead to us feeling emotions such as fear, anger and sadness, we often attempt to avoid such emotions as we value them less than happiness. Jackie and Keiran both deliver counselling from the foundation values and principles of the Person-centred approach to support their clients to achieve increased authenticity. Therefore it made sense to name our practice Meeting Emotions Holds Tranquility.
Jackie’s background
Jackie was born in the early 60’s in a family who adhered to eastern cultural values which had its own strengths and challenges. Outside of the family home she was exposed to diverse cultures which challenged her identity and the role of being a daughter and what was expected off her. Jackie was married at the age of 16 and had her first child at the age of 18. By the age of 30 Jackie had completed her family with three children and her husband. Jackie’s eldest child (Keiran) had health difficulties from a young age and continues to go through challenging times. As a mother this has been difficult to deal with being the primary care-giver. Her second child was diagnosed with TYPE 1 Diabetes a couple of weeks after her first child had successfully undergone a kidney transplant. Jackie found purpose in being a mother to her children.
In 1993, Jackie had her third child her daughter and it was at this point she felt that her family was complete, Jackie was told by medical professionals that it would be a risk to her health having a third child as she was living on one kidney. Jackie had donated one of her kidneys to her eldest son in 1991. In 1993 her nuclear family became an extended family as her In-laws came from India (Punjab) to live with jackie and her family in the United Kindom, the transition from living in a nuclear family to an extended family had its benefits but also came with its own challenges as she saw her children and herself struggle to conform to Punjabi culture especially with the other significant challenges that they were faced with.
Jackie worked as an auxiliary nurse support worker in 2006 after seeing her eldest son fight for his life in 2003. Jackie through her professional role noticed the impact of patient’s physical health was having on patients’ mental health and the overwhelming distress that the patients were struggling with. It also pointed out how hospitals were not equipped to support all patients who were struggling with emotional and psychological distress when they go through physical health challenges.
Jackie worked in a Renal unit; it was the same ward that she had seen her eldest son fight for his life on many of occasions. Jackie was supporting one patient who struggled mentally with health issues and treatment being dependent on a dialysis machine to keep them alive. This particular patient was a similar age to Keiran and had gone through the difficulties that Keiran had gone through in 2003, what Jackie identified with most was how the patients mother was coping and how she observed the mothers pain seeing her child go through adversity. The patient was discharged for the day, to go home to visit his family after spending two months in a side cubicle of a hospital’s ward. The patient took his own life that day, the news had opened my eyes in a different way, if only that patient had someone to talk to, you be heard, to be understood, then maybe he would be alive today and his family would not have had to morn the loss of their son/sibling.
After being exposed to the above Jackie decided that she wanted to study in 2006 at the age of 43, and therefore went on to complete a MA in Person Centred Psychotherapy. Jackie has worked within private and voluntary sectors and supported people struggling with severe trauma. Through my work within IAPT I have developed my knowledge and training by completing a IPT Accredited course and Supervision. I have 12 years experienced in supervision and work closely with trainee and Clinical practicing counsellors. When asked about what it means to be a psychotherapist she stated that ‘it is about creating a relationship which facilitates the process of healing and being able to take control and explore the difficulties in a space that is safe and private for the client, where the client can be open and express how they truly feel and find a path forward and focus on a nurturing future.The first step is always the hardest but don’t forget it takes courage to do that and to be able to help yourself’.
Keiran’s background
In 1986 he was diagnosed with Kidney failure at the age of five. Keiran was fortunate because of his family and the support they gave so freely to him. Jackie supported Keiran the most as a mother she took it upon herself to give her care to Keiran so much so, she gave her own kidney to him in 1991 which unfortunately did not work out. Keiran had adopted the narrative “how can a son reject his mothers kidney, it must be my fault ,no other son would reject their mothers kidney”. Such negative self talk along with conditions of worth, impacted him and lead Keiran to become self-critical, the voice in his head was the real bully which lead to him suffering from low self-esteem and low self-worth.
Over the past 24 years Keiran had been on dialysis, a continuous battle of fighting to live this lead to the hospital to become his second home. Through these years there was one person who was consistently there and that was Jackie. One of Jackie’s greatest attributes was her implicit and explicit tendency towards commitment to consistency to walk with Keiran through this battle of fighting for life, for his life for her sons life. The love was and still is unconditional.
At an early age we learnt how to fight, I was taught well especially because Jackie had taught him. They supported one another but also, we are taught through their exposure to other parents and children who were in a similar boat to themselves. The problems he encountered as a child were things like not being able to play, he was wrapped up in cotton wool, being protected from gaining further health issues. As a child Keiran did not really see it like that, for him it felt like being in the pits of a prison cell, looking out seeing others enjoying life through play, whilst he suffered in isolation.
Keiran saw a lot of death and illness and on four occasions he came so close to death. Keiran’s had lost consciousness on one occasion, his mother was by his side at the hospital, he recollects that when he went it felt like he had found peace as though the fight had to come an end, however the Doctors managed to to bring him back, he remembers his mother screaming in the background, it was at this point he came to learn to not allow things to become attached to him and vice versa. I came to view life a lot different to my friends, family members etc, the value of time and life meant more to him than those around him, education, work and taking responsibility to be the eldest sibling was far less important to him.
As the years went on Keiran became more and more resentful, in fact it wasn’t until the age of 24/25 when he started to learn about how he had defined himself as a victim of life, health and relationships. The problem for Keiran was that he did not understand his own story and how it had impacted him, he was unaware of how his behaviours had gone on to impact those around him, looking back he is now able to see how he lived in self-pity, self-loathing, self-centred and selfish thoughts and behaviours. He was a lost young man, no purpose, no goals and no ambition. He was consumed by cultural toxicity and to some extent believed the opinions of his elders, this all resulted in low self-esteem, low self-worth and felt that he deserved pain and suffering.
Keiran was fortunate, his mother had taught me him how to fight for life and also value the importance of living rather than existing, a similar message was put forward to him my other members in his family and his valuable friends. Keiran decided to follow his mothers foot steps and enrolled at the university of Nottingham. In his second year he had met his role models a university lecturer and professor. He was diagnosed with dyslexia, he had scraped a pass in his first year. Keiran met a lecturer who went above and beyond to support him, he was taught how to express himself through education. His faith, family, friends and peers supported him to learn about humility, love, truth, compassion and contentment. Keiran was also guided by his lecturer to read the work of psychologists/psychiatrists such as Carl Rogers, Carl Jung, Freud and philosophy from. Plato, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Fredrich Nietzsche, Jean Paul Satre and Immanuel Kant. He also found comfort in Yuval Noah Harrari, Jordan Peterson and Robert Greene, all in their own ways had influenced Keiran to become the person he is today. It is important to note that we all will come to find our own purpose in life, but to achieve greater potential it does take a commitment to be consistent to become the person we desire to be.
The other variable that supported keiran to move towards today in how he support others is his interest in super hero’s from Spider-Man to the Hulk, both teaching him about their adversity and how they overcame adversity and the importance of resilience and perseverance. Keiran remembers the first time he went to a local gym, slowly they got to know Keiran and his story the people were impressed they would automatically say positive things about how he would train, they would also give him great tips on how to train better. The gym and the people who trained him became apart of the support he had yearned for, to be seen as a strong, hard-working person regardless of living with long term health conditions. Keiran refers to Jordan Peterson who puts it, ‘its better to become a warrior in a garden, than to become a gardener in a war’. Keiran interprets this by taking time to meet all emotions, understand them and only then he can live in peace and contentment.
Jackie and Keiran both came to understand through their own stories, that they had strong biases, it was through individual therapy, education, friendships and some faith that they were able to challenge their own biases to support their clients to become who they want to be. Hence proposal from Jackie and Keiran to name their practice……
Meeting. Emotions. Holds. Tranquility.
Keywords: Adversity, Culture, Heteronomy, Autonomy, Narrative.
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